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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23235757">I told you when I came I was a stranger</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bananas45/pseuds/Bananas45'>Bananas45</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bottom Uchiha Sasuke, Cheating, Depressing, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Hopeful Ending, Infidelity, M/M, Outdoor Sex, Party, Post-Canon, Pretentious, Uchiha Sasuke Has Issues, if you wanna see it that way I guess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:47:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,625</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23235757</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bananas45/pseuds/Bananas45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m not getting married” He says, plain and soft. </p><p>Naruto’s eyes narrow, his voice getting the edge of self-righteousness that always makes Sasuke want to give up the ghost before he’s forced to. </p><p>“Then - then what’s the point, Sasuke?” He snaps.</p><p>He’s unsure if Naruto wants an answer. He doesn’t have one. There isn’t a point to any of it. What is meant to do with the rest of his life. Settle? Become a jounin? His stomach turns at the thought. A rejection of the only part of himself Naruto allowed him to keep. </p><p>Naruto’s eyes harden, as though this is some scheme of Sasuke’s. The same look in his eyes as when he threatened to end the world, given to him in a kitchen after a baby shower while he’s holding a fucking comically oversized lollipop pacifer, wrapped in a bowtie. </p><p> “I mean you love her right?” Naruto sneers. </p><p>His shoulders set, it sounds like an accusation and it hurts because he’s right. </p><p>He doesn’t.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>255</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I told you when I came I was a stranger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Every few months I think about Sasuke Uchiha and how strange he is as a man. Every time I try and unravel just what must be going on in his head and I ended up with a really distinct idea of how I imagine he thinks. </p><p>Days in isolation because of current events really made it all come to a feverish head. So I finally, finally wrote this after thinking about it for like 5 years.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moonlight dips behind a cloud, leaving the garden in a warm golden glow from the house behind him, the lamps shaking in the soft breeze above him. </p><p>Sasuke stares, hoping for a moment the moon might come back but It doesn’t. He digs his souls into the grass beneath his feet, turning up the soil as he leans on his elbow, contented with the murky purple glow the sky gives off. </p><p>It’s in moments like these he wonders how much of himself he’s brought back to Konoha, or how much he left all those years ago. The beauty of the place isn’t lost on him. This garden and the warmth of the house prickles his skin with the feelings it should but it’s separate and distinct from the rest of him. It’s what made him retreat out here in the first place. Sometimes he feels overwhelmed by the brightness of their lives, how much they’ve gained from everything lost. How they can so easily celebrate returning to normality. </p><p>It’s all trivial, they meet up like this, drink, celebrate, put up pretty decorations and talk about plans. Then the sun sets and they begin to go home and Sasuke realises he hasn’t said a genuine word in years before he retreats outside to breathe in the air before he can watch the mask of excitement fall from <em> his </em> face. Something specifically about seeing Naruto caught up in such domesticity makes his throat tighten. His own matters less, he’s never really cared. After everything he’s done, Sakura deserves a part of a dream, given the fact he has nothing to lose and none of his own. </p><p>But Naruto, all wild and spirited. Reduced to niceties with Hyuuga’s as he offers refills of cheap prosecco as his friends dote over the girl next door. The invite to the baby shower had been clutched in Sakura’s hands and she’d, bless her soul, said ‘We don’t have to go’ before he’d had a chance to read the words. </p><p> </p><p>It didn’t even seem like something Naruto would like. </p><p> </p><p>But Naruto could trick himself into enjoying anything. He’s not concerned, he shouldn’t be concerned about Naruto’s happiness. He could find it in a paper bag. </p><p> </p><p>A firefly lands on the back of his palm. He watches it with a quiet curiosity. It’s little wings brush against the knuckle of his middle finger and he has an almost childish desire to hold his breath. </p><p> </p><p>The backdoor slides open. </p><p> </p><p>“A firefly” He hears, husky but abrasive in the silent night air. Feet pad towards him, and a bottle of beer is knocked against his shoulder. Naruto drops down and sits beside him, close enough their shoulders almost brush. “Catch it and make a wish” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke stares for a moment, turning over his palm to let it crawl into the centre. He can’t think what he could possibly wish <em> for </em> and suddenly the idea of trapping it there just to fulfill his own desire makes him feel guilty to his core. </p><p> </p><p>He’s never been as selfish as Naruto. </p><p> </p><p>He shakes his hand and it flies off somewhere, joining the mass of soft glows. </p><p> </p><p>“How is she?” Sasuke asks, bottle to his lip and eyes set on a horizon point. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto hiccups, leaning back on his elbows and crossing one foot over the other. </p><p> </p><p>“Tired. She headed upstairs with Sakura and Ino...Girl stuff. I swear, I’ve never seen them so excited” </p><p> </p><p>“Children do that” </p><p> </p><p>From where they sit he can hear a burst of giggles from the floor above. Shadows criss-crossing the light from the window. </p><p> </p><p>“They took the last bottle of fizz with them” Naruto says, the ever present humour in his voice making it almost as hard to understand his mood as his own monotone. It’s just a different type of mask.  </p><p> </p><p>“Hinata shouldn’t be drinking,” He murmurs, rolling the tightness out his shoulders. Naruto’s gaze lingers where the shaul he stole from their living room slips down to his elbows. </p><p> </p><p>“Ino and Sakura can drink enough for a three, Y’know” Naruto laughs softly, as though remembering something absurdly funny that he doesn’t want to share. </p><p> </p><p>The cicadas are loud tonight and the air is still warm from the heat of the summer sun, even if Sasuke’s feet are beginning to chill on the cold grass. He lets his eyes flutter shut, breathing out slowly. He drank too much, not out of a desire to get drunk, just because he can’t do this sober without wanting to cry. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you” Naruto says suddenly, earnestly and softly like he’s offering some prayer. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke tilts his head, a strand of hair curling across his cheek as he pulls his shoulder blades closer. Eyebrow softly quirking as he meets Naruto’s gaze. </p><p> </p><p>“For coming today” he says, a bashful smile dimpling his cheeks. “It really means a lot to me” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke lets out a soft sigh and smiles, ever so slightly. </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t need to thank me for showing up” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s eyes linger on him and it almost feels like scrutiny, masked under a clawing amount of kindness. </p><p> </p><p>“Sometimes I think I do” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke shifts, unsure if it’s a challenge of some sort or a confession. They don’t know each other well enough to ever know. </p><p> </p><p>“I know you hate these things,” Naruto admits. “I honestly didn’t expect to see you” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke chuffs out a laugh, resisting the urge to roll his eyes he takes another swig of the beer. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay” He answers simply. He can’t be bothered explaining himself. Naruto flares beside him, he can feel it, a ripple of power that bounces off his own. He looks over. A ‘not here’ written in exhaustion over his face. Naruto’s nose twitches. </p><p> </p><p>“Did you come for Sakura’s sake?” Naruto asks and it always sounds like a jibe, as though it’s some cosmic joke that he’d ever do anything for her. </p><p> </p><p>He’s almost tempted to say yes but lying seems like more trouble than it’s worth. </p><p> </p><p>“I came for myself, Naruto,” he says gently. </p><p> </p><p>And he means it even if it seems to make Naruto bristle. Something’s on his tongue, ready to ruin the calm, ready to ignite some low lit flame nursed inside Sasuke but the door opens and cuts the moment before it’s even that. </p><p> </p><p>“Hi”  </p><p> </p><p>Whispered into the night. </p><p> </p><p>It’s Ino. Blonde hair curled but messy, makeup a little ruined and balance to shot. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey you,” Naruto says, all adoring best friend, smiling one of those smiles that could make you feel like the centre of the world regardless of reality. Like naruto’s own cruel form of Genjutsu.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m heading off” She says, clutching the frame of the back porch door. </p><p> </p><p>A beat before Naruto remembers what’s expected of him. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll walk you to the door” He says, standing and brushing off his sweatpants, heading inside. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke follows them, a step behind as he slides the door shut and picks his way over balloons and confetti and pulls the fallen end of the ‘congratulations’ sign, hung over the stairs, down. It floats to the floor. </p><p> </p><p>Ino’s talking away to Naruto, who has a solid grip on her elbow, something about how gorgeous Hinata was looking, how wonderful the party was, how great everyone has been. Naruto just grabs her coat and offers her it, with a smile so wide it makes his face twitch a little. </p><p> </p><p>She struggles with his lock, giggling and giving up, throwing her hands up as Naruto gets it for her, laughing in return. </p><p> </p><p>Her gaze turns to him and she gives him a grin. </p><p> </p><p>“Good to, uh, see you again” She says, ringing her hands. She almost topples over the second she puts her shoes on. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto walks her to the end of their street regardless of her protests, Sasuke following like a curious dog. </p><p> </p><p>They embrace, Ino kissing Naruto’s cheek and then cupping it, she looks into his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m just…” She smiles hopelessly. “I’m just so happy for you” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke almost, almost wants to remind her that she bullied him relentlessly and mocked him for most of their childhoods but he restrains himself. Times have changed. </p><p> </p><p>“Sasuke” She says adoringly, as though she’s almost going to cry. She opens her arms and he moves forward, letting her throw them around his neck. </p><p> </p><p>“Ino” He returns, trying not to cough at the strength of her perfume, Hand resting awkwardly on her shoulder blades, chin balanced against the crook of her neck. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m so happy for you too and-and Sakura” She sniffs and pulls back before her heel goes out. He grabs her elbow, catching her. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh-” </p><p> </p><p>She laughs, throwing her hair out her eyes. “Oh my gods...Oh-” </p><p> </p><p>“Careful,” Sasuke says, hand under her forearm and ready to catch her again. “You good?” </p><p> </p><p>“Mmhm” She says, blushing high on her cheekbones she takes a tentative step away from him. </p><p> </p><p>“Bye, Ino” He says, laughing in a forced sort of way that speaks more to his embarrassment then his amusement. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“She is so in love with you” Naruto scoffs, rolling his eyes as they walk back to the house. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke shoots him a look, unsure if he schools his features in the right way to come across as anything more than blandly disinterested. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t care,” He says. It’s not like he’d act on it, it’s not like <em> she </em> would either. Attraction isn’t a demon. He doesn’t say that, obviously, and so Naruto just snorts. </p><p> </p><p>“Classic” He mutters, throwing open the door he gives Sasuke a once over. “You forgot your shoes” </p><p> </p><p>He looks down, curling his toes. “I like the feeling…I rarely wear shoes” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto looks at him for a moment, a strange contemplative curiosity making his features seem softer than Sasuke remembers. </p><p> </p><p>“What?” He asks. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto just shakes his head and smiles. </p><p> </p><p>The worst part is that Sasuke knows what Naruto is feeling. It’s only since his return - to sanity, as Naruto politely put it once - that he’s allowed himself to open up about, well, anything. At least in Naruto’s mind. </p><p> </p><p>Any ounce of personality he gives himself, allows himself to impart, is some kind of godsend to Naruto. Hungry dogs at the master’s table trying to get whatever scraps they can. He wonders at what point Naruto stopped trying to humanize him in his head, just saw him as a goal. </p><p> </p><p>It annoys him more than it should because he never <em> hid </em> this part of himself, Naruto just never chose to see it. </p><p> </p><p>They make their way back towards the kitchen. Sasuke surveys the mess of empty bottles and paper plates across the tables and floor, grimaces a little. </p><p> </p><p>“Sometimes this all feels a little empty” Naruto murmurs, picking up a bottle of prosecco and two flutes. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke doesn’t answer, just holds his gaze, ready to listen.</p><p> </p><p>Silence spreads between them. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you just saying that because you know it’s how I feel?” Sasuke asks carefully, as though he’s tip-toeing across broken glass. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto bites his lip as a bitter grin spreads across his face. “Uh, no. Well, maybe. It’s good you feel that way but no… They all used to hate me. So much. I was just nothing to all these people and now they’re here celebrating all this” he motions vaguely. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke leans against a chair, eyes narrowing. </p><p> </p><p>“And now they all seem so genuine in their love...but they were pretty genuine in their hate before so -” </p><p> </p><p>“Either way it’s disingenuous” Sasuke finishes. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s eyes fill with relief and a strange mirth. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke just smiles, a little tight. “I doubt they think about it that much. You’re just an easy target” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto tilts his head, dropping the bottles into a bin with a clatter. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s that meant to mean?” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke shrugs, clearing some plates from a coffee table dragged to the centre of the room. “If someone is easy to hate they’re probably just as easy to love” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto pauses, Sasuke doesn’t need to look over to feel the way the air shifts. </p><p> </p><p>“Case in point I guess” he motions over and Sasuke meets his eyes, sweeping hair back out his face as he frowns. </p><p> </p><p>“I never considered myself like that,” He says softly, unsure how it makes him feel. </p><p> </p><p>“They did” Naruto murmurs. </p><p> </p><p>He notices Hinata before Naruto does. She gives him one of her little smiles, one reserved for him; polite and terrified, desperate to understand. </p><p> </p><p>“Hi Hinata” He says, extending the olive branch as always between them. She doesn’t have it in herself to find the strength to forgive him. Most of them don’t. </p><p> </p><p>They just bare him, rest on the laurels of the memory of a boy they superficially loved. </p><p> </p><p>“Sasuke” She says and Naruto turns, the same bright smile he used on Ino, used again on her. </p><p> </p><p>He watches as though a stranger. </p><p> </p><p>He guesses he always was. </p><p> </p><p>“Hiya!” He says but she puts a finger to her lips, the other hand curling around her stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“Sakura is asleep upstairs” She explains, glancing at Sasuke. </p><p> </p><p>He forces a smile too. “I can take her home if you want?”</p><p> </p><p>Hinata shakes her head, waving a hand. “No, no, She is fine but just be more quiet. I’m going to bed too” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke wonders if he should ask to check on her but he doesn’t have the strength left. </p><p> </p><p>“We’ll clean the mess,” Naruto says, winking at her. “You go to bed” </p><p> </p><p>She holds his gaze, smile soft and reverential. “Thank you, Naruto” </p><p> </p><p>Spoken like the luckiest woman in the world. </p><p> </p><p>“Looks like it’s just you and me” Naruto says, once the creeks of footsteps and soft goodnights from upstairs recede into silence. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke smiles. “Seems so” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s gaze is fond before he clears his throat and begins to clean in earnest. Tipping things into bins and shoving stuff under sofas. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke would have said something when he was a boy maybe, scathing and disgusted but he can only shake his head now. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you have a name yet?” he asks, halfway bent to pick up a spilt bottle of beer, leg extending. </p><p> </p><p>“Uh” Naruto scratches the back of his head. “Yeah, a few” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke nods in response before smiling. “You’re not calling it Sasuke?” </p><p> </p><p>He expects Naruto to laugh but he doesn’t. </p><p> </p><p>“It's a ‘him’ not an ‘it’ and I think I’ve given enough to you,” He says softly. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke feels that sense of impending doom, crushing anxiety curling around him that he’d never felt before coming back to this place. 100 things push to the forefront of his mind, that he never asked Naruto to ‘save him’, that he never asked for any of this, that he doesn’t even know what that’s meant to mean. </p><p> </p><p>But all he can do is sigh. </p><p> </p><p>“Enough about me” Naruto says suddenly, the bounce back in his voice as he leans against the bunker of his kitchen. “Let’s talk about the future life of ‘Sakura and Sasuke Uchiha’” </p><p> </p><p>He spreads it across his palms like a rainbow. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke just crosses his arms and shakes his head gently. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not getting married” He says, plain and soft. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s eyes narrow, his voice getting the edge of self-righteousness that always makes Sasuke want to give up the ghost before he’s forced to. </p><p> </p><p>“Then - then what’s the point, Sasuke?” He snaps.</p><p> </p><p>He’s unsure if Naruto wants an answer. He doesn’t have one. There isn’t a point to any of it. What is meant to do with the rest of his life. Settle? Become a jounin? His stomach turns at the thought. A rejection of the only part of himself Naruto allowed him to keep. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s eyes harden, as though this is some scheme of Sasuke’s. The same look in his eyes as when he threatened to end the world, given to him in a kitchen after a <em> baby shower </em>while he’s holding a fucking comically oversized lollipop pacifer, wrapped in a bowtie. </p><p> </p><p>He wants to scream at what his life has become. </p><p> </p><p> “I mean you love her right?” Naruto sneers. </p><p> </p><p>His shoulders set, it sounds like an accusation and it hurts because he’s <em> right.  </em></p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t.</p><p> </p><p>“Where are you going with this, Naruto?” He asks, wary as he moves closer, footsteps light and body readying to fight. </p><p> </p><p>The flame leaves Naruto’s eyes as fast as it came and he presses the heel of his palm to his forehead. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know” he murmurs. “I just…” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke sighs. “I’m here, aren’t I?” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto gives him a weak glare. </p><p> </p><p>“For now” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke smiles, wide and broken at the same time and groans before he moves over and pulls another beer from the open four pack. </p><p> </p><p>“Here’s the thing, Naruto” He hates himself for sounding so irritated, nothing good has ever come from him over-emoting, especially around Naruto and he doesn’t want to be the cause of tonight’s ruin. Not when Naruto is so clearly desperate for it. He drops everything in a gift box and turns back. </p><p> </p><p>“You ask for me to stay and then all you do is wonder when I’ll leave next” </p><p> </p><p>“Because I’m scared-” Naruto starts, defensive and irate. </p><p> </p><p>“Of what?” Sasuke flicks the cap off as he barks out the words, making Naruto stand back, as though scalded. “Where would I go? Where <em> could </em>I go that you wouldn’t find me?” </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t say it like that” Naruto murmurs, sullen or ashamed or a mixture of the two. </p><p> </p><p>“How do you want me to say it?” He hates how desperate he sounds. “I’m not <em> doing </em> any of this for a reason. I’m not -” </p><p> </p><p>Happy? Present? Ever going to be the thing you want me to be? </p><p> </p><p>“Just for once” Sasuke murmurs, pressing the cold bottle to his temple. “Let it be, Naruto. I’m so tired of this” </p><p> </p><p>He sweeps past him and out into the back garden, away from the house with it’s strange smell of alcohol and domestic bliss. Feeling his breath stutter in his throat he walks until the light from the house disappears completely, leaving in enough darkness that he feels okay when he throws his head back in a silent scream. </p><p> </p><p>He lifts the bottle to his lips, halfway stuck between throwing it into the neighbours garden and drinking it one. </p><p> </p><p>He settles on neither. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m really sorry” He hears, called from a few metres back. He doesn’t turn, just listens for the patter of Naruto’s feet on the deck and then the rustle as he heads onto the grass to find him. </p><p> </p><p>“Honestly” he begins but he can’t finish it. Nothing he could say could make this right. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m doing this for you. I’ve got nothing left, tell me what you want and i’ll try.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m miserable and want to leave, I don’t think I’ll ever be what you hoped.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’ve never loved her.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s just chat” Naruto tries for him, shrugging his shoulders softly and giving Sasuke an easy smile. </p><p> </p><p>So Sasuke sits, just far enough away from the house that the light barely catches his form and Naruto watches for a moment before kneeling beside him. Silence spreads between them long enough that Sasuke drops himself back into the grass, hands behind his head he stares at the overcast sky. He’s grateful for it now, he’s not sure he could really face Naruto’s face. </p><p> </p><p>“What’re you thinking about?” He asks finally, his voice doesn’t break the silence like Naruto’s does, it seems to harmonize with it. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto starts like he’s waking up and tilts his head down to stare at Sasuke. </p><p> </p><p>“Our childhood” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke sits up on his elbows and hums softly. </p><p> </p><p>“How different my boy’s will be...” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke smiles at that. “Don’t worry too much. Happy childhoods are overrated anyway” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s head shakes softly like Sasuke wouldn’t <em> get </em> it. </p><p> </p><p>“If it’s going to go to shit, it’ll go to shit. Parents or not” Sasuke murmurs, no trace of bitterness in his voice, as though it’s some universal truth. “You turned out great, regardless” </p><p> </p><p>The unspoken <em> unlike me </em>. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto lies back beside him, eyes to the sky, even if they’re close enough that their hair mingles where it’s splayed against the grass. </p><p> </p><p>“What was it like?” He asks softly. “I’ve no idea how to be a ‘Dad’” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke snorts. “Don’t bother…” </p><p> </p><p>He trails off, realising he was about to be overly cynical before he finds he can’t. That side of him died when he saw how pointless the whole thing was. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t lie about the things affecting you” He says softly. “It’ll break his heart if he finds out you don’t trust him, even if you’re just protecting him. Just...be the man you are. Good or bad your kid’ll love you” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto stays silent. </p><p> </p><p>“You never spoke about them,” He murmurs. “You spoke about what you would do but you never said <em> why </em>” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke shifts. It’s still hard to talk about, he spoke to Sakura once about his family, the kind of childhood he’d enjoyed but those memories are tainted now more than before because he’s at that point in his life, now he’s beginning to see things through a Father’s eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Itachi was the world to me” He admits, like a secret. “I was just heartbroken. It’s not that hard to understand” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto turns onto his front, voice so soft it cracks, a tone so rarely used. </p><p> </p><p>“Was it the betrayal or the loss?”</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke tilts his head up to let the tear that’s catching his lower lashes fall quietly. Naruto doesn’t notice. </p><p> </p><p>“I think it was a mixture” </p><p> </p><p>It’s been hard for him. At first - very first - Konoha was hard because it was a reminder, every corner of every street held a dear memory of his Mother or his brother or a distant cousin. Held a remainder of not just the anger but the <em> pain </em> and it had been so much harder to face than the hatred. </p><p> </p><p>Leaving had been a blessing, he could at least pick away at his memories of Itachi until he only had the bad ones. </p><p>But Konoha’s hard for a whole multitude of reasons now. Because it’s been forgiven, because it’s still the same, because he knows this isn’t his home anymore. Knows that even if his clan <em> were </em> alive, Konoha never saw them as residents in the first place. He leaves in part to find penance but maybe also to stop from seeking vengeance. </p><p> </p><p>Nobody left alive knows about what happened that night and his own memory is warped with fear and misinformation. Itachi’s word, Konoha’s word, Danzo’s, Madara’s. </p><p> </p><p>He’s done all he can and it’s barely enough. </p><p> </p><p>He swallows, dizzied by it. </p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t understand back then” Naruto says. “I didn’t get you at all” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke smiles. “You had no frame of reference for what I’d lost” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s silence holds something. </p><p> </p><p>“I think I was just jealous,” He sighs. “You had something to lose” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke closes his eyes. “That makes sense. I just thought you were dumb, it wasn’t that complicated” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto slaps his chest. </p><p><br/>“Ow- It’s true. I use to get excited about being around you, I used to think of ways to rile you up...Living vicariously through your joy and anger” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto jolts at that. </p><p> </p><p>“And after you left?” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke yawns, taking another sip of beer and stretching his arms up, accidentally spilling drops on his hair. Naruto lets out a giggle. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh then it was blind survival” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto snorts, flopping back against the grass. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s true” </p><p> </p><p>He watches as Naruto picks aimlessly at the grass, folding bits in half and watching them spring back.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you ever miss me?” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke considers, not to hide anything just to truly think of an occasion. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah” he says after a moment. “Once” </p><p> </p><p>“One time?” Naruto says before he sits up on his knees. “You missed me one time?!” </p><p> </p><p>“Once?!” He shrieks. </p><p> </p><p>He gets a face full of grass and a shove and whether it’s the booze or some sense of nostalgia it makes Sasuke laugh. </p><p> </p><p>“Shh-shh. Shut up-” He says, slapping a hand over Naruto’s mouth. “Yes, I remember it vividly” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto relaxes then, probably out of a desire to hear and not because he’s lost the will to fight. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke clears his throat. </p><p> </p><p>“I’d pissed off Orochimaru, which wasn’t unusual. He could get vicious with me when he wanted to. Sometimes it was hard to judge his moods. So he and I are thrashing it out -” </p><p> </p><p>He glances to see how enthralled Naruto is, see how desperate to get another insight into his head and the past he wants so desperately to part off. </p><p> </p><p>They’re practically strangers. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m screaming about something or another-”</p><p> </p><p>“You were screaming?” Naruto interjects. </p><p> </p><p>“We used to fight a lot” Sasuke murmurs, tries not to think about the cold nights in cells or the agony of that curse seal on his shoulder whenever he didn’t do well enough. </p><p> </p><p>“And he hits me so hard - I remember because he floored me - and he makes this speech about how he never would have taken me or spent this much time on me if it weren’t for how <em> you </em> were affecting me. He said I wouldn’t have gone with him if he’d left it any later. Something about me being weak and pathetic after that...” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto is quiet for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Did he hit you a lot?” </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke laughs, breathless and bitter. “Oh yeah...but those words really struck. It was true. You were affecting me, he was right and I’d never even noticed. Maybe that hurt more than anything else he did...The fact he’d sussed me like that. I realised then that I did miss you” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto is quiet again and Sasuke just knows his little brain is working overtime thinking of recompense or apologies, empty platitudes about Sasuke’s bravery. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s in the past,” he says gently. “It all is, Naruto” </p><p> </p><p>“That’s...quite the line for you to tow” Naruto says, almost laughing. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s the only one I have left,” He says honestly. “I can’t change what I did and I’m sorry but I don’t think I’d <em> want </em> to even if I could” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto nods, as though he’s struggling to take it in. </p><p> </p><p>“Are we talking about my life now you have yours together?” He asks, the moon peaks out from that cloud that caught it at twilight. Naruto’s eyes meet his and he looks tired, under the smiles or he sees himself reflected in those eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you want me to do that too?” He thinks he might be asking in earnest. He’s never been adrift before and a part of him is terrified he can’t hack normalcy, the one that he’s fought to obtain. That he’s <em> killed </em>to achieve. </p><p> </p><p>“Settle? A wife and maybe a few kids” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto holds his gaze, looking concerned before he cracks a smile. “I’ve always wondered what your sex life was like with her. You think it's good enough for a <em> few? </em>” </p><p> </p><p>He chuckles and shrugs in agreement. </p><p> </p><p>“I think I’ve kissed you more than I’ve kissed her” </p><p> </p><p>He regrets saying it almost instantly, something icy settles over him as he feels how Naruto startles. </p><p> </p><p>“I’d forgotten” Naruto <em> lies </em> and he almost wants to laugh but he finds that he can’t. </p><p> </p><p>“I hate intimacy like that” He shrugs. “The sex is…” <em> fine </em> “great” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto shrugs weakly. “I guess” </p><p> </p><p>Tension sits between them like a scald. Fissures the air like the taste of a Chidori, heats his cheeks in the exact same way. He’s honestly mortified he let that slip. </p><p> </p><p>He wants to shout that Naruto shouldn’t have asked, that they shouldn’t play these games of one-upping each other because they aren’t <em> kids </em> anymore and he doesn’t remember how to de-escalate them anymore. </p><p> </p><p>But he doesn none of that, instead he rises to it just like Naruto wants. </p><p> </p><p>“I bet Hinata’s loud. And I bet you’re a <em> beast-”  </em></p><p> </p><p>Naruto pushes him over, knocking his half finished beer across his stomach in the process. He lets out an intoxicated squeal of shock that makes Naruto gasp in delight. </p><p> </p><p>“Stop it” </p><p> </p><p>And with that, he throws the rest over Naruto in some childish attempt at revenge.  </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s jaw drops in shock before whipping a blonde strand, foaming, out his face. He throws his own but it’s easy to dodge. Naruto lets out a growl of annoyance that makes Sasuke laugh harder.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a sore loser-” </p><p> </p><p>He looks down for a second to try and shake off his shirt but Naruto’s on him in that time, pinning his arm and pouring the rest of his bottle over him. </p><p> </p><p>“Wait-” He coughs, still laughing. He kicks up, throwing Naruto off who lands on his back. </p><p> </p><p>It’s not that he doesn’t want to fight Naruto. Naruto is the only person in the <em> world </em> he wants to fight now. </p><p> </p><p>It’s just he’s dizzy and tired and covered in beer and he can’t stop fucking <em> laughing </em>. It hurts his sides and Naruto is on him before he can even sit up. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh this is great” Naruto grins, pinning his legs with the weight of his waist as he looks triumphantly. “You’re laughing and I beat your ass. It’s like my bucket list in one night” <br/><br/></p><p>Between fits he gets out. “Oh shut up, literally, shut up Naruto-” </p><p> </p><p>But it breaks into a set of wheezes. Naruto is oddly quiet above him, staring down at him with a face he can’t read. It makes his stomach flip even if he still lets out a giggle that makes his eyes widen. </p><p> </p><p>“Make me” Naruto says and the moon catches the blue of his eyes, making them seem colder than Sasuke ever knew they could be. His chuckles get muffled behind his wrist as he sits up. </p><p> </p><p>“Mhm, Okay, Okay” He pushes Naruto’s chest, his eyes flickering up. “Uzumaki Naruto” </p><p> </p><p>Naruto's eyes ignite and he holds back a giggle of his own. </p><p> </p><p>He’s drunk, maybe, but he’s not <em> Ino </em> and it’s surprisingly easy to just shift his weight and grab Naruto’s wrist, throwing him down and bracketing him with his legs. Holding his fist an inch away from Naruto’s face in some facsimile of nostalgia and for a moment he <em> does </em> miss it all. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s breath seems to be expelled at once, warm and hot against Sasuke’s face just like it did all those fucking years ago too. </p><p> </p><p>His gaze can’t miss the way Naruto’s hand shifts and he catches it before he thinks about what he’s doing as they rock up once before he pins Naruto’s hand by the side of his head. </p><p> </p><p>He’s panting and he can’t think why. Maybe it’s just been that long since he’s felt a thrill like this, tasted power. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s panting too, so in sync that their chests meet on every inhale. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it’s the alcohol or feeling so lost, maybe it’s knowledge that this is it, from here on out he’ll belong to Konoha and his <em> family </em> and that Sasuke will fall back into being his goal if he’s gone and his constant if he’s here. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it’s because for once he feels like he <em> needs </em> something and it’s addictive. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it’s because he has nothing to lose anymore. </p><p> </p><p>His elbow buckles as he leans down and Naruto’s hand catches his wrist as he braces in the grass. He closes his eyes as their lips meet but he doesn’t mean them too, it just happens, as though by some instinct and Naruto lets out a gasp that could be shock or disgust until his left hand tangles in Sasuke’s hair and licks across his tongue like he’s found an oasis in the desert. The grip on his wrist tightens and then releases, coming up to catch his cheek, stroke across his cheekbone with a reverence that makes him wonder if this is something Naruto has imagined. </p><p> </p><p>He shudders, unable to hold back the gasp as they part for air. Naruto’s eyes are heavy, smoldering in a way that makes Sasuke’s heart hammer, make him want to run and never look back. </p><p> </p><p>“You just kissed me...” He whispers against Sasuke’s lips before they meet again and any response, any attempt to call it a mistake, dies. </p><p> </p><p>He’s unsure if he’s always wanted this and pushed it down, buried and burnt it or if this is something spontaneous, something he’ll come to deeply regret in the morning. </p><p> </p><p>Moreover, he’s unsure he cares. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto does something with his tongue that makes Sasuke tremble, feet twitching against the grass as he grabs Naruto’s old worn t-shirt like a life-line. </p><p> </p><p>He let’s Naruto pin him, murmuring words into his skin as he kisses a line down to the dip of his collar. Sasuke’s hands roam, tightening in blonde hair he wishes was longer, digging into tan shoulder muscles and as Naruto bites at his collar he can’t help but keen. </p><p> </p><p>A part of him had decided that through the trysts he’d had on his travels and his expeirence with Sakura what he enjoyed was a quick fuck with very little touching and yet, somehow, Naruto makes him want to unravel, makes his jaw drop with a trail of silivia he should be turned off by. He’s horrified in a lot of ways, horrified because <em> this </em> is the thing he craves. The heat of this skin and the feeling of this man. </p><p> </p><p>It’s just his luck. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s tongue is at the back of his throat again and he’s gasping and grabbing at anything he can get his hands on. Moaning a name he once held in such contempt like a prayer. </p><p>“You- Gods-” he says and it sounds so much like a sob he almost frowns. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto hauls his tank top over his head and he lifts his arms to assist, revelling in the way Naruto brackets his ribs with his hands and lets out some involuntary whimper as though the mere sight of him is enough. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto pulls his own shirt off like this <em> isn’t </em> a huge mistake. Like their partners aren’t just inside that house. </p><p> </p><p>He finds he can’t muster an ounce of regret right now. </p><p> </p><p>The moonlight washes his own skin of colour, makes the tan of Naruto’s stand out against the white of his own. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re beautiful” </p><p> </p><p>He blinks, clenching his jaw. It’s not the words - he’s heard them before - it’s just that voice saying them, the breathless desire there. He bites his lip, head knocking back against the grass as he trails his hands up Naruto’s biceps to his shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>“Please” </p><p> </p><p>He’s barely aware he said it but Naruto's pupils visibly dilate even in the low light as he captures Sasuke’s lips with a harder sense of urgency and desire. He returns it, gasping and allowing, slowly, some sense of self to return to him and it <em> hurts </em>. </p><p> </p><p>“Sasuke?” He gets whispered against him, concerned and soft and he realises he’s crying, lip trembling. </p><p> </p><p>“I..” But he doesn’t have an explanation, can barely get a word out the vice on his throat. </p><p> </p><p>And Naruto’s brow furrows before he drops desperate kisses along his hair line and down the side of his face, licking away the tears. </p><p> </p><p>“You sucker” Naruto whispers, even if he sounds wrecked. </p><p> </p><p>Taking their time is something they’ve had a difficult relationship with over the years and so maybe they’re rushing or maybe they’re taking it too slow but Sasuke just doesn’t have it in him to care anymore. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto hauls his sweats down, the only non standard issue clothes Sasuke <em> had </em> as he sucks at the inside junction of his thigh and hip. </p><p> </p><p>He throws his head back, struggling for the first time in his life, to be quiet. </p><p> </p><p>The world focuses as he grabs Naruto’s hand in some form of desperation and pulls it to his lips, sucking desperately as Naruto let’s out a desperate and stunned ‘fuck’. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe at some point he’d have had something to say about his lack of eloquence but he’s got nothing now. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto doesn’t waste time letting his fingers dry in the cooling night air before he has one in Sasuke. </p><p> </p><p>It hurts but it’s clarifying in a lot of ways, it feels like for the first time in months, fuck maybe <em> years </em> like his whole world is on an axis that makes sense. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you” He gasps. </p><p> </p><p>And Naruto grabs his jaw, two fingers scissoring against the way Sasuke cringes. </p><p><br/>“Y-you don’t...just get to say that” He whispers, grip tightening. </p><p> </p><p> Maybe he should come up with some heartfelt apology for everything but Naruto has his fingers back in his mouth before he can. He lets himself drool, enjoying the idea of being so obscene. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You paved the fucking way for the shitshow you’ve got yourself in  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke want’s to shout but he doesn’t. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You have no-one to blame but yourself.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Watching as Naruto shifts his weight, pulling his hand away to grip Sasuke’s thighs. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke cries out when he’s fucked into and Naruto puts a hand over his mouth, leaning down close and interlacing their fingers with his other hand as his hips shake with the effort not to move. </p><p> </p><p>An overwhelming sense of catharsis overcomes him on Naruto’s first broken thrust and his head falls to the side, a blank sense of calm enveloping him as he watches a firefly land on his open twitching palm. </p><p> </p><p>He watches it, finding himself entranced. </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly it alI seems fitting. </p><p> </p><p>His heart for Naruto, life for Sakura, forgiveness to Konoha. </p><p> </p><p>He desperately tries to think what they’ve done to earn it. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto grabs his hips and angles deeper, forcing a moan from him, lips parting and shining with drool. </p><p> </p><p>His fist closes. </p><p> </p><p>He grabs Naruto’s hair, hauling him down and leaning up to lock their lips. Feeling Naruto push him back softly. </p><p> </p><p>“I thought you said you hated intimacy” He murmurs, maybe a sneer hidden under good intention, maybe genuine. Sasuke can’t bring himself to play games. </p><p> </p><p>“I lied” </p><p> </p><p>It’s an admission of guilt to all the sins Naruto’s accused him of. Faking his love, coming back for nothing, being unhappy. The list is endless. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto’s nose twitches like he’s going to cry but instead he just pulls him close, arms wrapped around each other like they’re hugging. He buries his nose in Naruto’s shoulder and lets him fuck deeper, going almost ragdoll for him.</p><p> </p><p>He’s so close, so close it makes his eyes squeeze shut and his breath stutters against Naruto’s collar. The feeling of Naruto biting down at his neck.</p><p> </p><p>His vision blurs, whether from tears or pleasure he’s unsure and just as he expects to cum, Naruto bites down on the <em> exact </em> spot his seal used to be, skin still raised a little, scars still fresh. The skin protests, flares in tendrils, pulsing around and up his neck. Somewhere between agony and bliss. </p><p> </p><p>He cries out, twitching and arching as he feels Naruto pull out only to cum up his thighs. </p><p> </p><p>A moment passes in a silence punctuated only by their breaths. Heavy and hard. </p><p> </p><p>The heat goes first, leaving him trembling in the night air and he slides his sweatpants back up as his chest heaves. </p><p> </p><p>Naruto sits back on his haunches, sweat trailing down his navel, across the seal and the contracting muscles. </p><p> </p><p>Their eyes meet and Naruto grimaces, lips setting into a thin line. He thinks this might be the moment Naruto’s good will snaps with him. Where he accuses him of everything he <em> should </em>be accused of. But of course he doesn’t. He just smiles sadly and rubs the sweat of himself with his balled up T-shirt. </p><p> </p><p>Sasuke rubs his hand against his temple, blinking away the rest of the tears and looking sitting up only to open his palm as something catches his eye. </p><p> </p><p>In his palm the firefly glows softly, less frequently. He hadn’t realised it had gotten trapped there at all. </p><p> </p><p>He blows again but it doesn’t move. </p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>“Well” Naruto gasps. “That makes things more complicated<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>
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